Archive for the 'Court' Category

The UK Just Has a Better Breed of Loser

by in Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007.
Drugs, Pete Doherty, Court

Pete Doherty Late to Court

Pete Doherty never fails to disappoint. While we may have a bargain-basement version of a judge annoyance in Paris Hilton, Pete has made a career out of annoying judges, ignoring terms of probation, and just about anything else he thought he could get away with.

In today’s UK courtroom festivities, good old Pete didn’t disappoint. He showed up so late for his hearing that the judge called his lawyer into court TWICE to explain why his client wasn’t showing up, and finally issued a warrant for his arrest without bail right before Pete wandered in.

My guess is that he wanted to alter his state a little bit before having to face the big scary judge. He evidently decided at that point he was best off just pleading guilty, which he did… guilty of possession of crack, heroin, pot, and ketamine, as well as driving while being Pete Doherty under the influence.

The judge pointed out that him driving a car is pretty much the same as letting a crazy person with a rocket launcher out on the streets, but deferred sentencing until August providing Doherty enter a treatment program by July 16.

Judge? We’ve seen this before. Send his sorry ass to jail. He is NEVER going to clean up. Sheesh. Even Robert Downey, Jr. managed to get straight. There is NO hope for this guy.

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Eddie: A Stand-up Kind of Guy…

by in Tuesday, June 12th, 2007.
Mel B, Scary Spice, Eddie Murphy, Court

Eddie Murphy is an ass

… if the court says he has to be.

Eddie Murphy finally gave up the DNA requested to prove he is the father of Scary Spice’s baby after a court ordered him to.

Of course, he promises he’ll stand up and “do the right thing” if the baby is proven to be his.

Gee, color me clueless, but wouldn’t “doing the right thing” be something along the lines of submitting to a DNA test without a court order, not dumping your pregnant girlfriend on TV, and not leaving a legacy of being an ass for this poor baby to read all about when she grows up.

Eddie Murphy: removing the “cl” from “class act.”

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The All-Paris, All-the-Time Channel

by in Friday, June 8th, 2007.
Paris Hilton, Court

Paris Hilton In A Cop Car... Doo-Dah, Doo-Dah...

I admit it. Days just do NOT get better than today. I’m ordinarily not a huge paparazzi fan; while I like the gossip I don’t like the invasion of privacy of cameras.

That being said, however, I am thinking of changing my middle name to Schadenfreude. Go ahead, look it up. I’ll wait.

See, nothing makes me happier than reading about Paris. You hit me with things like a paparazzi photo of Paris sobbing in the back of a cop car? I’m going to pee myself laughing. I’m just like that. I have a real problem when I know folks who have gone to jail for DUIs without violating probation and then she sobs for a couple of days, pays an expensive shrink to talk her way out of there, and I get a little ticked.

Read the rest of this entry »

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Poor Baby… NOT!

by in Friday, June 8th, 2007.
Paris Hilton, Court

Paris Hilton Back in the Slammer

CNN reports that Paris is BACK in jail after being led from the courtroom screaming and crying for her mother.

Too damn bad.

The judge decided that Paris needed to get her ass back there, after forcing the sheriffs to go pick her up for court (after they said she could appear “by phone”) and pointed out that other people with “mental or physical” problems don’t get to go back to their 3000 SF homes with ankle bling.

My guess is that she sobbed to her shrink that she wanted to die so they sent her home. Please. They invented the term “suicide watch” for a reason for prisons. Like she’s the first person to want to off themselves in jail? Difference was she was rich enough to have a lawyer and private shrink whine for her.

I’m tired of the celebutard DUI craze. It’s about time someone actually has to walk the walk for it. Now let’s home the rest of them get to do the same thing.

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There is NO Justice Here

by in Thursday, June 7th, 2007.
Paris Hilton, Court

Paris Hilton Out of Jail

TMZ is reporting that Paris IS ALREADY DONE WITH JAIL and has been set free. That is the biggest load of crap I’ve ever seen in my life. Wow, what a punishment. Three whole days in jail. I’m SURE she’s learned her lesson now.

insert huge eye roll

The LA County Sheriff’s Office is going to have a press conference to explain exactly why she was let out after only three days.

Boo hiss.

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Alec, There’s Hope for You Yet!

by in Monday, May 21st, 2007.
Court, David Hasselhoff

The Hoff, Crazy Wife, and Kids Who Need Therapy

In today’s best “Lesser of Two Evils” custody story, we aren’t talking about Britney and K-Fed for once. Instead, we are talking about David Hasselhoff and his “can’t be an ex soon enough” estranged wife, Pamela Bach.

The most recent news before today’s tidbit had to do with the now-infamous hamburger video, where The Hoff’s 17-year-old daughter videotaped his drunken ass slurring all over the place and attempting to get a hamburger into his piehole (success rate approximately 1 out of 3 attempts). After the judge saw the video online, EVEN THOUGH IT WASN’T ADMITTED AS EVIDENCE, he banned The Hoff from seeing his kids until today’s hearing, where…

The Hoff got full custody of the kids!!!!

Now, I know your initial reaction is that the judge must have been hitting the pipe before court, but as it turns out, WIFEY is the crazier of the two. The person appointed by the court to check out both useless parents determined that Bach was crazier than a shithouse rat and she also refused to take a drug test. One can only assume that if you KNOW hubby is a big old drunk, you’d be GREAT if you can pass the test. Or you know, screwed if you can’t.

I’ve lost track of how many examples I have for my soon-to-be-published book: Why Celebrities Should Be Sterilized, but this one will definitely rate a chapter.

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Too Cool for Court

by in Saturday, May 19th, 2007.
Jennifer Lopez, Court

J. Lo: Too Busy for Justice

J. Lo, whose production company is being sued over the short-lived South Beach (a writer is claiming that his idea for a show was ripped of), claims that she’s “too busy” to appear for a deposition and that she was only “peripherally involved” in the show. Good to know that executive producing credits involve minimal involvement!

The lawyer for the opposition pointed out that being famous doesn’t mean you don’t have to follow the law, which usually means when you are sued you need to appear before the court. J. Lo’s excuse? She has to promote her album and “upcoming movies.” Is that the Paris Hilton defense?

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Dude, Seriously. This Is the Best You Can Do?

by in Thursday, May 17th, 2007.
Divorce, Anne Heche, Court

Anne Heche IN Psycho AND Psycho

I knew that the whole polite divorce between Anne Heche and Coley Laffoon wasn’t to last long. And I was right.

Heche’s soon-to-be-ex is now asking for joint custody of their 5-year-old son Homer as well as $33,000 a month in spousal support. He claims that prior experience as a camp counselor and nanny make him better qualified and that Heche once put the kid in a car without a car seat (see also: Britney Spears), swears at the child (see also: Alec Baldwin), and packs him lunches he “doesn’t like.”

Um, hello? Mr. Laffoon? I know you don’t know me, but you may not be aware that the mother of your child TOLD BARBARA WALTERS SHE HAS AN ALTERNATE PERSONALITY. You might even be able to find VIDEO of that on YouTube. If not, there are SEVERAL web accounts of her barging into a stranger’s house, using their SHOWER and talking about aliens. You can probably find that online as well.

And if all else fails? Get the kid a cell phone with video. You were married to ANNE HECHE. The kid’s bound to get something better than the Baldwin phone call and The Hoff Hamburger Incident in the first five minutes he’s got the phone.

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Nevada, Here He Is!

by in Friday, May 11th, 2007.
Joe Francis, Court
Joe Francis Mug Shot

Whee! Florida and Nevada have apparently been duking it out to see who gets to keep Joe Francis in their jail cells first, and NEVADA WINS! A judge ruled that Francis will go to Nevada first to fax tax evasion charges before he heads back to Florida to face filming of underaged girl boobies or something. I don’t even care what the charges are as long as I get to giggle over Joe being in jail. And, you know, a cop-killer down a couple of cells from him who apparently keeps yellingGirls Gone Wild! Joe Francis! Whoo!” constantly. I want to send that dude a pack of cigarettes or something. Maybe a shiv? Do you think they have a registry or something?

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Drinks Are On Me!

by in Friday, May 4th, 2007.
Paris Hilton, Court

Celebration Drink: Paris Is Going to Jail!!!!

Paris is going to jail!!! The only thing that could make me happier would be if she was going tomorrow.

She’s spending 45 days in a prison near Compton, so I’m sure her fellow inmates are going to be GREAT fun.

Further proof that she’s never in her life had to take responsibility for her actions, her mother Kathy said it was “pathetic” when yelling at the prosecutor, and then bitched about the money that they spent on trying to get Paris out of the charges. Way to go mom. Perhaps if you’d spent a little more time parenting you could have saved money in the long run.

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